Member Bio

Freyling’s Bio for The Guard

No, I’m not in the Guard – not really, anyway. But as my dear departed Da used to say, if you find yourself in a henhouse, start clucking and grab some grain.

It all started when I was a Sanitation Serf, 6^th Class (Assorted Muck and Offal), hired by the City to keep the public streets clear of…well, assorted muck and offal. One night while pushing my cart past Guard headquarters, a nervous-looking Guard sidled out and very quietly asked if I could dispose of some extra trash they had inside. Naturally, I had to tell him I couldn’t, because according to the bylaws of the Honorable Brotherhood of Sanitation Serfs, Local 117, this could only be performed by a Serf 3^rd Class (Household Debris, Empty Casks, and Insensate Revelers in Extremis).

“I’ll give you a fiver,” he said. Of course, this changed everything.

Right away, a couple of Guards wearing dresses (they claim they’re kilts – I don’t judge) came out, dragging a lumpy rolled-up carpet between them. I grabbed an end to throw it into my cart, and stopped.

“I think this carpet’s moving,” I said.

“Yeah, carpets do that,” one of them said. He slipped me another fiver.

Since serfs don’t have much experience with the foibles of carpet behavior, I had to take his word.

I heaved it into the back of my cart and disposed of it along with the rest of the load at the end of my shift.

From then on, they must have had had a lot of wild parties, because almost every time I passed by, someone came out dragging one or three more rolled-up carpets that needed disposing of. I don’t even know where they kept all the carpets—their headquarters isn’t that big. I even suggested that they might want to try cleaning them rather than throwing them away, but they haven’t seemed very interested in this.

One night after I used my ORD (Offal Retrieval Device) Mark II* to pick up a severed ear that was lying on their doorstep (I asked—they all swear they don’t know how it got there), they invited me to join them on their nightly patrols. When I said I could get fired for slacking off of my route, they promised to discuss the matter with my supervisor.

The next day, I was summoned to his office. My supervisor, looking very pale and shaky, announced that he was leaving to visit his sister in the country indefinitely, but starting immediately my route would be handled by someone else, while I was put on Special Assignment with the Guard. He even promoted me to Sanitation Serf, 5^th Class (Miscellaneous Litter and Deceased Livestock)! So that’s how I wound up with the Guard.

I must admit I was a little uneasy when they wanted me to use my ORD on living creatures—something the Hon. Brotherhood strictly forbids. But the captain, he knows how to explain things. “Just think of it as pre-garbage,” he said, “and you’re being proactive.”

Proactive. I like that. So now I tag along with the Guard, processing pre-garbage and disposing of the subsequent new garbage right away. If I keep this up, I’m sure my supervisor will notice all my good work. The Guard has already promised to talk with him again if I continue to do a good job. Hello, Sanitation Serf, 4^th Class (Hazardous Creature Effluvia and Floral Shop Remants)!

*It’s really just a pointed stick, but don’t tell the City. The Hon. Brotherhood can charge them twice as much if they call it an ORD.